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Wow..it has been almost a year since I last written on my blog. Indeed, 2009 almost comes to the end and there are a lot of things that happened throughout this year..from happiness to sorrow..I lost some friends and I found some friends..Working life is not as good as I thought..Pursuing studies is not as easy as I thought..What I realize that I don’t really understand what I want in my life and who I am.

There are a lot of things that I desire and want to achieve but at the same time, there are a lot of concerns..I admit that I’m not a risk taker and I always chose to withdraw from something before going deep into it but this does not apply in my job or studies. Knowing the fact that I need to be accountable in what I am doing and I must think about the consequences if I just quit. Family and friends are most important to me..I can’t accept the fact when my friends left me and it takes such a long long time for me to recover. Nobody is perfect in this world and so do I. Misunderstanding is inevitable no matter where we are..I would like to apologize to all my friends who have been hurt by me but I can tell you honestly that I really don’t mean it or perhaps I have overlooked on certain things that might actually hurt you..

I tend to make things complicated even it should not be the way. I thank God for bringing friends into my life and lift me up when I’m down. As we grow older, human needs change..I never put priority in love relationship because I came from a family where I have seen the ugly part of a marriage..It did leave an impact in my life because I don’t want to go through the pain of a broken relationship..Perhaps, I am not bold enough and don’t dare to love..but the fact is although we might found the right person but due to some factors, it hinders the relationship from going further.Sometimes, I really wish that my life is just like the “Love Story”, living in fantasy with my charming prince but the fact is we are living in reality and such thing will never exist..perhaps I’m too idealist..

The process of letting go the past memories is really hard and mental-torturing..All I can do now is just to wait and hope that time will heal the wound..A girl who never falls in love before has opened the door but finally realized the awaiting consequences..She decided to close the door although it is a tough choice..Will she be able to open door for another guy to enter into her life? But one thing for sure is, this girl still holds on to the past and just hope that the friendship will continue…

Even though we might grow older but does that mean we are now more matured and wiser? I finally realized that I’m really not matured enough. Indeed, age does not represent the way we think..WHAT DO I REALLY WANT IN MY LIFE? WHAT AM I CHASING AFTER? All i want is just a simple, peaceful and happy life. I guess I have been too tired with all the things that happen to me..from working life, study life to personal life..everything doesn’t  seem to be in the right order..I wonder why I make things so complicated and at the end I feel the hurt and pain..It’s obvious that my mind is not talking to my heart..when my heart says YES, my mind says NO..Looking at the rationale, I normally listen to my mind and not my heart…but in between the heart will overrule the mind which leads to emotion breakdown..

All I need now is a long vacation or perhaps hiding myself in a secret place………… May the remaining days in 2009 bring comfort and healing so that I can embark into a new journey of 2010 with a fresh and positive mindset and attitude..

# The conclusion is, in order to find the true happiness in life, we must first understand and identify who we really are..Without knowing our ownself well, how do we expect others to understand us??

Ever since I become a team leader, my heart never stop bleeding. I have been appointed as a team leader for a project X, after nobody wanted to take the post. I accepted the offer and tried to lead as best as I could. Motivating and inspiring the team members have always been something that I cherished. For me, the team spirit is the most important factor. Without it, the whole team is gone. Knowing the fact that the team members are not passionate about the project, I still gave them time to complete their task and even tried to bring them back on track. However, I finally realize that what I have done is meaningless as their hearts are no longer there. Perhaps, they don’t see me as a leader or maybe I’m a lousy leader and don’t know how to lead. If they don’t trust in my leadership, why were they giving me such a responsibility in the first place?? Instead of being disappointed, I still work hard to complete the project. I don’t deny that I’m quite perfectionist but I never forced my team members to do their work as I know they have other commitment as well. Whenever I asked for the progress, they seemed reluctant to report to me. I already know that they have nothing to report to me. Giving me the reason that I’m a perfectionist and always hope for the best outcome. Instead, I never said a word on their performance as I trusted them that they will do their part.  My heart keeps bleeding but I still have to pretend that I’m fine. Ouch, it’s really hurting me but I chose to keep quiet. Once a while, I will let go my feelings and can’t stop complaining. Although it might not help anything, but at least I feel a bit better.

Life is like a drama. There are so many drama kings and queens around. Living among the hypocrites is something awful. I wish I could escape from this environment. “A friend in need is a friend in deed”, I wonder whether this quote still applies in our daily life. When it’s time to hang out and have fun, of course friends are around you but when you are in need, will there be any friend to offer you help?? I’m sick of the people who seems to be good in front of others but actually not. STOP BEING FUNNY IN FRONT OF ME! I just can’t stand it anymore but I have to constantly remind myself to be patient. Argh……………..I’m feeling so frustrated and irritated with certain people that I really can’t tolerate any longer……………What should I do? The surrounding is forcing me and provoking my anger…I need to stay calm…….It’s a terrible feeling. I want to ESCAPE RIGHT NOW! But I know I can’t. It’s not the time yet…I am waiting for the right timing to leave…..when???

Keep bleeding……..heart keeps bleeding…….when there is no more blood…that will be the end of the journey…………………………………………………………………… Will I still be an innocent and good person after this OR will I change to someone bad and fierce in the end?? One thing for sure, when your surrounding is pushing you to the limit and the pressure is extremely much, you will definitely change. Only yourself know who you really are!

Why am I not satisfied with what I am and what I have now?  I have a job that pays me quite well. I work like hell but nobody knows that. I rarely get praised or rewarded, yet I still work and strive for the best. I am losing my friends around me who care about me. I don’t know how to set my priority. I don’t know what is more important to me. In my eyes, everything seems important. People say I demand a lot. Yes, I admit that I am a perfectionist. I just can’t help it. For me, everything must be corrected if it’s wrong. It’s not easy especially if you are a leader. Sometimes, your team members feel that you are demanding a lot from them but they don’t realize that what the team leader has done for them without troubling them. What people see is just the surface.

It’s new year. It’s suppose to be a great start but why things don’t seem right. Problem comes one after another. I am getting sick of what is happening? What is going on? I was in Kuala Lumpur for a month and I did not stay in the room that I rent in Penang in that period of time. I told the landlord that I might move out because my new lab is somewhere near EQ. So, I told her that I use the deposit money to pay for that month rental. I didn’t say that I will move out 100% when I come back from KL.  When I came back, she told me to move out by early of February. If I stay for 2 weeks, she will charge half-month rental. Now, I have to look for new room especially at this moment.I am angry because she didn’t discuss with me. She admitted that I am not confirm of moving out but she told me that her sister is going to move in by February. I have no words to say but just to move out as soon as I can. Still looking for room…

I went back for CNY these few days. However, I don’t feel the CNY atmosphere. Everytime I go back, I always quarrel with my mum..It has been happening quite often. I have tried to tolerate with her. Sometimes when I just voice out my opinion, she always say that I disobey her. I believe it’s due to generation gap. Parents don’t seem to get along well. They seem to be stranger to one another. The poor thing is my sister always becomes the victim in their quarrels.

For your information, my house has a lot of cats but these are not our cats. They are the wild cats which come to the back of my house. Nevertheless, my sister likes cats a lot. Something weird happened on the second day of  CNY.Early in the morning, my parents and my sister were shocked to see a kitten which died terribly at the back of the house. This kitten has lost half of its body. In short, half of its body was gone, leaving only the head, two front legs and its front body with its internal organs. We thought that the kitten was being eaten by another big cat but the weird part was the kitten seems to be cut in a professional way. There was no signs of biting at all. As if there was a surgeon who operate the kitten. It remains mysterious. It’s extremely weird. How could this happen?  What is going on?

Weird and bad things are circulating. WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? It remains a puzzle…………

I never know how blessed I am until I am exposed to various of news around me. Looking back at myself, I soon realize that what I have been through is nothing as compared with what my friends have faced in their lives. Today we are still alive with all our senses and we can see the sky every morning, we should be thankful. If we are complaining with our job, we must think of those who are jobless. We never knew how blessed we are until we see the other side of the world. Our problem is not as big as we thought. No matter what we are facing now, God is in charge of everything. I keep telling myself to be strong and tough in facing all the challenges ahead. As long as we stand firm, no wind can blown us away, not even the storm can shaken us. Having friends around is indeed the most valuable treasure ever.  Missing the good old days, leaving the memories behind….Life goes on, but friendship is everlasting. We have to support one another as the encouragement means a lot. We might not realize that we might mean something to somebody. Living alone is just like a boat that has lost its direction, following the waves. But having a companion makes the journey lively. Whenever we are distressed, tell ourselves that our God is bigger than our problem. There is no problem in our lives, only challenges. How we take it will determine how we survive. There is no point complaining and shedding our tears as nothing can be changed. But we can change how we perceive thing and how we overcome it. Be an overcomer!! Be a winner and not a loser. Be thankful with what we have and who we are today. At the end of the day, there’s rainbow after the rain.

Tired is a word that is used daily in my life ever since I started working.Joy is something that I am looking for. Buziness is something that I can’t run away from. I am trapped in a circle that has no end. I am lost in a world that I can’t see what will come. A strong wave has been crashing over me, leaving me helpless and restless. Struggles and fears are mounting every moment. Living in a battle war where everything is uncertain,  carry on with the hope that everything is fine. Drowning in an ocean where the land can’t be seen. Seeking for a destination that might not be everlasting. Hope crashes, dream is still a dream. Will my dream come true? I wonder????????????????????????????????????????????

As I grow up, I just feel that I have been keep on changing. My attitude, my behaviour, my appearance, my ambition and almost everything is no longer the same. Is it true that people change according to time and place? I used to be a happy-go-lucky person when I was young. However, the joy in me has lost. I have forgotten when was the last time I feel extremely joyful and happy. The person I am today is no longer the person I was 10 years ago. How I wish I can turn back the time. I really cherish my childhood and my school life. I always aimed high and achieved what I want. I used to be a fair and lovely girl. But I seldom smile. That was the old story….Now if I want to smile, I don’t think people will even look at me. I am angry with myself why do I have acne problem now and why do I have sensitive skin..Appearance really matters. My heart aches everytime I looked at the mirror. My confidence level has dropped almost 90%. I always tried to avoid going out with my friends because of my face. If I were to go, I need to put on the makeup and cosmetics. I can’t stand it anymore. Although my friends don’t really mind how I look like but I myself can’t accept it. Trying all kind of methods do not seem to cure my problem. What really hurts is everytime my parents feel sad when they look at me. They also wondered what had happened to me after being away from home for just 3 years. This sudden change has also changed my personality, my attitude and my behaviour. I just don’t feel happy with who I am today. People might see that I have achieved a lot of things in my life and thought that I’m good in every area. The truth is I’m just an ordinary homo sapiens. People always thought that “The grass is greener on the other side”. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I always tell myself to be happy and I always smile to people around me but I don’t really feel happy innerly. HOW TO BE HAPPY EVERYDAY?? The source of my happiness and joy seem lost. I don’t know when it happened and I have totally lost my true self. I am no longer the ambitious and determined person I used to be. I have been forcing myself to do things. Just like a string that has been stretched to its limit. From a bold person, I have became so low profile now. I don’t even feel confident with what I do. What’s wrong with me? Can anyone help me? I feel myself keeps drowning day by day. Where is my identity?? A lost identity!

Do you ever feel lonely and wish that there is someone to stand by you when you are sad and alone? Do you keep your feelings towards someone that you like and yet knowing you really wish to be with him or her? This is the love circle. Why a guy never appreciate a girl when she is around him in time of sorrow and trouble? Why a girl complains a lot regardless of how good a guy treat her? This is the love realm. Nevertheless, you can still see couples around, holding hands, walking together and spending time together.. People just need love and comfort from someone..But one thing for sure, sometimes a guy just feel so comfortable to have a girl around him but he won’t realize how this girl has actually leave an impact in his life until he has lost her one day. There was a girl who cared so much for this guy but this guy didn’t seem to appreciate what this girl has done for him. They know each other in their uni life. From enemy became friend. They always have different perspective and idea. This guy is all-rounded but the girl is just an ordinary girl with an ordinary appearance but she has a caring heart. Regardless of how ‘bad’ this guy seems to be, he always tried to help this girl when she is in trouble. However, at certain times, he did let down the girl by giving false promises but this girl has been so patient towards this guy. The girl knows that she means nothing to this guy and she has decided to let go of the feeling that she has towards this guy. She deserves someone better, who can accept who she is. This girl has been suffering from a sickness that has killed her confidence and took away her joy. After graduation, they didn’t contact each other…The guy starts his new chapter in his life and so does this girl…They carry on with their life, leaving the memories behind……

Will this guy finally realize how precious this girl to him??

The girl has finally met someone who loves her so deeply, who doesn’t care about her appearance. This guy is really looking at the inner beauty of the girl. For Him, this girl is so special and so precious. This girl is no longer alone because she has found someone to take care of her for the rest of her life. Let the past be the past…..

You will never know how contented you are to have your loved one around you until you have lost him or her. Love..a never ending story….

Arghhhhhh….that’s what I’m feeling now. Want to shout it out loud and express everything that is kept inside. Life is so unpredictable..Making choices in life is tough and need a lot of time but this is just an excuse. At the end of the day, we still need to make up our mind. I have chose to follow this way but I know that I no longer can hold tight to it. I was once in a comfort zone, a place where I’m used to be but I escape from there because that is not the place I want to be. I felt I was tied down there and controlled. I want freedom and so I landed on another destination which I thought is good. But I know I could not stay longer. I am not confident enough and feeling myself not compatible enough. I always feel out of place although I am accepted in this new area. Somehow there is an inner voice that kept telling me that I will fall. I try to prove that I can do it no matter what but I know that I have not put in much effort. Everything seems so meaningless… I’m trapped in a place that I don’t know how long I can be there. I’m not curious to seek for answers but just wait and see what will happen next.. I am totally down and demotivated now..Hoping for an angel to heal my pain…and change my negative mind….Is this a test? Can I persevere it?? Feeling so restless and confuse…entangled with emotions..Sooner or later the light will shine against the darkness…

Life is funny. We just can’t please everyone around us. Sometimes, it’s quite discouraging when we are criticized although we have done nothing wrong. Hey people out there, don’t judge someone before you really know who he or she is. It takes time to know someone personally. I know that I am someone who don’t talk much and sometimes I find it hard to start a topic with those who are not close to me. Does that mean I look down on you? Come on, do you know that your assumption might hurt someone unintentionally? To make things clear, I just can’t accept people who said that I’m that kind of person. This is my final semester of my campus life. I thought I want to make a change and I start to be more socialize and get to know the juniors. It turns out to be there is a junior or maybe juniors out there who said I look down on them. I don’t even know much about you, why should I look down on you…..Ai…I just feel very discourage. Whatever I do just don’t seem to be right. If anyone who read this blog, really find that I’m that kind of person, kindly comment and state why you say so. I might not be as friendly as those who have been very talkative. Only those who really know me, will understand me and know what kind of person I am. Sad to say, many people have a wrong perception on me. In this university, there are a few who have the same name as me. Sometimes, when people call out the name, most of the time it does not refer to me. Sooner or later, I become numb with my name and I don’t response to it. Perhaps, at certain time, people might thought that I’m proud because I don’t response or some people might thought that I look down on them…I don’t want to point out who is this group of people, but you know yourself well. Somehow, I feel that my name does not belong to me alone. Whatever it is, I’m tired of this issue. Maybe, it’s time for me to rest. I might not be talkative or the ‘gila-gila’ type, but I care for others in different way. It’s mainly related to my personality. Just feel uncomfortable keeping it in the heart. Expressing it out in written form makes me feel better. How would you feel if people describe you as a person that you are not?? Take some time and think about it………..

We will never know how precious is something unless we have lost it. I have been neglecting my health all this while. I always starve for no reason or I will eat as much as I want. This is really bad to my health. Knowing the fact that it is not good and yet I still continue with this bad habit. Tomorrow is New Year and many people are welcoming this new year happily. Celebrations and parties are everywhere. I just suffered from food poisoning. Vomitting for 5 times and having diarrhoea. Going in and out from the toilet. This is really torturing my health. Mentally and physically ill. It was a tough time for me. Seeking for doctor on Sunday was just like looking for a needle in the desert. Nearby clinics were closed. I thank God for sending friends around me to take care of me. At the end, I managed to get treatment from a private clinic. It was a terrible time. Everything that gets into my stomach came out within 10 minutes. Continous dehydration might lead to death. At that moment, I just feel as if I’m going to die. I praise the Lord for His healing upon me. I would not have persevere in this critical time without Him who watched over me. I’m thankful to my friends who took care of me and visited me. I’m grateful that I’m still alive today. From now onwards, I really have to take good care of my health. Health is so precious. Without good health, we can’t do anything. No matter how rich a person is, to lose health means to lose everything. Health is wealth. We must treasure our health while we still have it no matter how busy we are.